Lately

Time for a quickie.  I wish I could post entries here more often, but the funny thing is that I can never sit down and write these things until the end of the night.  Unfortunately I also tend to get to bed late and don't feel like sacrificing already meager sleep to make a new entry.  Oh well.

I'm in the second week of spring term right now.  I am only taking one class, which happens to be macroeconomics, but it has the potential to be an annoying class.  I feel like I understand the material pretty well on a fundamental level, but I do get thrown off at times by the jargon and even the way questions are put sometimes.  At this point all I have to do is pass the class so I can graduate, so grades don't matter much.  That being said I still feel like I need to do well as a matter of pride.

I recently listened to this cd recording of this lecture on C.S. Lewis.  I'm completely amazed at the depth of understanding Lewis had regarding the nature of God and our relationship with him.  The man managed to ascertain truths that are beyond the doctrines of most churches.  Then most important thing about listening to the cd is that it actually made me want to improve myself as an individual.  I realized that I needed to let go of pride, shake off my manacles of materialism, and view others with their divine potential in mind.  I'm working at it and like to think I've seen some improvement, but I think such goals could be worked on for a lifetime without attaining perfection so I must be diligent and consistent in my effort.

L'amara vita

So I've had two quotes running through my head recently. 

"Hell is other people" -Jean-Paul Sartre, No Exit

"Happiness only real when shared with others" -Into the Wild

Looking at the quotes, they both ring true and yet at first glance they seem so opposite, and almost even contradictory.  On the one hand, our happiest moments, indeed any truly happy moment, are only found in the company of others.  On the other hand, the greatest pains in life are likewise derived through contact with others.  Obviously the statements are not quite contradictory but rather two sides of the same coin.  They both reflect the principle that human interaction is the most potent force operating on our hearts.  I'm sure this comes as no great revelation to anybody reading this; however, it's something that's been driven home to me recently.  Indeed, it's something that's been aggravating me.  Lately I've had some absolutely miserable experiences that have had resulted simply from being around other people.  At times, it's almost enough to make me want to swear off social interactions and withdraw to a desolate life of solitude.  Not that I ever would take such a drastic and ridiculous step, but in those moments of exquisite anguish the dull ache of loneliness doesn't sound quite so bad.  Thankfully, such moments are brief and fleeting, but they do make me at least question the value of human relations.  Ultimately, I have very few answers to offer on the subject.  I suppose the best I can do is to simply find the particular situations/circumstances that produce the good feelings while avoiding those of opposite effect, but it's not exactly an inspiring solution...  Dammit, why must life be so complex?  I know that everything of value has a requisite price that must paid to obtain it, so it shouldn't surprise me that the best things in life can exact the highest costs, but I daresay the price is beyond my limit.  There's a cap on what I'm willing to do or suffer in life.  This is the reason I will never be a man of great achievements and I can accept that for most things, but not in my relations.  If the sweetest rewards of life must forever remain just out of reach because of my own shortfallings then what the hell am I doing here?  At what point does grace come in if ever?  It's a frustrating situation that never is resolved and my patience is wearing thin.

Once again

So I've been feeling this urge to write on my blog again recently for some reason.  It seems odd because I don't think it serves any purpose, but the feeling remains.  Perhaps I just need to blow off some steam where it's likely to go unnoticed.

Anyway, things have changed a lot since last I wrote here.  I'm now finishing up winter semester and have only one more class to take for spring term before I graduate.  I can't believe it's so close.  Going along with that, I found out not long ago that the job I always expected to fill in my father's company when I graduated has now been occupied by my older brother.  So now I'm looking for work on somewhat short notice after all the recruiting on campus has pretty much finished.  Now, there are two serious issues here that have been occupying my mind recently since I received the news. 

 1) What exactly is the nature of my relationship with my family?

2) What does the future hold in store for me?

Regarding the first one I spent significant time analyzing the multitude of flaws in my family.  I don't feel quite in the mood for enumerating everything that crossed my mind, but I'm thinking that it's probably best that I get away from the fam and break out on my own.  I'm something of an oddball in my family.  I've always had different interests from my siblings, and in my family different automatically means worse.  It doesn't help either that I'm the youngest child.  What this means is that I've spent my life listening to my brothers ridicule much of what I hold dear, and I've never really felt either respected or fully approved of by my family.  It'd be nice to know for once that my family was proud of who I was and what I had achieved, and maybe that's exactly why I need to be far away from them.  If I were to go work for my father I would spend the rest of my life as the younger brother, the slacker, the low man on the totem pole.  That's not the environment I want to put myself in.  It's time to blaze my own trail and follow my heart.  My family can say what they want, but I'm not gonna be subject to them any more.  I love them and appreciate all they have done to help me out, and I hope to return the favor one day, but from here on out I'll be walking a separate path.

Now, regarding the second issue there's prolly not as much to say, but it's still an important topic.  I really don't know what the futures holds at this point, but we can break to possibilities down into two categories.  Either I will find a job near my current location and stay near my friends and everything I'm accustomed to, or I will be moving far away and starting a completely new life somewhere.  The first group is nice because it allows me to remain largely in my comfort zone and continue my current life largely unimpeded.  I would still be able to hang out with my friends and carry with my normal routines, except now it'd all be better because I'd be pulling in a real salary.  The other category of options offers a real mixed bag results.  First of all, I'd be leaving behind the dear friends that I've made here at school.  This would be a hard sacrifice to make.  I know I probably don't show it much, but my friends are very important to me (I should probably write a full blog entry on this topic alone).  On top of that, I would then be thrust into an entirely foreign environment, and would have to adjust to new places, people, and responsibilities.  It would be a forced period of growth; uncomfortable but beneficial.  Not to mention a part of me revels at the thought of forsaking this current life of mine and leaving everything behind.  It would be a chance to start afresh and redefine myself apart from the happenings of the past. 

Honestly, I think both categories of choices have much to offer, and I couldn't say which one I would choose if it were up to me.  Fortunately(?), that choice probably won't be in my hands.  Ultimately, I will go wherever I can find a decent job that promises the best career.  For now I can just ask God to let the best option make itself known. 

Libri

Porca Vacca

I've been meaning to write an entry but I'm so horrible about actually sitting down and writing  :(  Oh well, it's not like anybody actually reads this so no harm done.

School is going well so far.  I've been staying on top of everything up to this point which is always good.  However, as usual, I'm getting so frustrated with the whole BYU scene. Honestly I just don't fit in around here.  I am incapable of being social in this college atmosphere; it feels too much like high school still.  I don't say that to be condescending or arrogant, but merely to point out that I was equally out of place in high school.  I look around and it seems like everyone else is having fun, and I'm somehow left out of the party.  And as much as I might wish it were different I am irrevocably flawed, and I will never be apart of this world.  The funny thing is I feel guilty for it too.  I keep thinking things could be different if I tried hard enough, but I don't have that kind of strength.  Sadly I think my only option is to grin and bare it and just wait until I leave here.  At least then I won't have to be constantly reminded that I'm broken.